It may be hard to believe I did not understand what being ‘disabled’ meant until I was 17, where disability at that time meant being a part of an oppressed minority. I know I had all these funny labels, like cerebral palsy, since birth but as a child I did not know what they meant. I understood I was different but I also saw myself equal to my peers as I never saw how I appeared to others.
Acceptance can come in many forms and at 44 I have accepted I have cerebral palsy with all its physical and social consequences. Obviously, I always knew I had cerebral palsy but I used denial of its full impact to cope.
I have worked with 200 organisations but it has always been specific ad-hoc work only I could provide which was unique and sadly never led to further long term work. This was because of a mixture of my honesty and the appearance I have as someone defective with cp.
I always believed it would be a matter of time before I would find my golden egg, that piece of work that would change my fortune. But I now accept what has become a more hostile and unaccepting world, my appearance as a defective as put a restriction in my ability to obtain work.
I am proud of my many achievements, large and small, and there are more achievements to come, but it is time to retire from politics and other activities where my appearance makes things difficult.
It is time to focus on enjoying life and that means experiencing new things, whether that is food, smells, functional clothing, sporting activities, travel and so on.
It also means returning to the one place I felt I belonged to and that is Secondlife, a virtual environment you need to experience directly to understand. I am reopening a new version of my virtual nightclub, Wheelies, which is probably my greatest ever achievement and my best opportunity to help others.
The understanding that I am reaching the end of my story, and that my cp has limited my employability at this point in history, is not about playing the victim and feeling sorry for myself, but accepting where I am in life. Metaphorically I may be an escaped slave but that does not mean that I will witness the end of slavery.
Accepting paid work may not be a part of my future story, it is about enjoying life, which for me about new experiences. I love my fully accessible flat and I love its location a few minutes walk from town.
So rather than arguing with individuals and organisations about dysability issues knowing they are not ready to hear them, I will rather be enjoying life in secondlife and going swimming as well as doing watersports and many new experiences.
This understanding of myself is also about not fearing enjoying my fetishes, which is a long and complex story. But it basically means I am comfortable to wear a boilersuit going out for a meal, as well as nappy, plastic pants, bib and helmet. I am happy to wear an apron with arms to eat meals to protect my clothes and so on.
Accepting my cp has and will continue to limit my opportunities at this point in history is a positive thing. As someone with hyper-intelligence who has no fears, I now understand it is now time to simply enjoy life and use the power I have as a defective to make the second half of my life as enjoyable as possible.